Friday, September 15

Still Learning

Why do I seem to have to relearn that same lessons over and over? I am saddened by my own selfishness, my own self-centered view of life. This week has been a long one due to my daughter's illness. I have given in to fear once or twice (always in the night...why is that?), and this morning I contemplated what I was afraid of. Yes, I do not want my baby girl to suffer. It wrenches my heart to see her listless and miserable. I am frustrated by my inability to do more than hold and kiss her, give her small doses of ibuprofen or acetametaphin. I am afraid that perhaps there's a diagnosis around the corner that may be something too frightening to think about (why am I borrowing trouble?). I am afraid of this beautiful creature being ripped from my life.

As I was reading Can the Real Jesus Still be Found by Sigmund Brouwer this morning, this paragraph made me see my fears perhaps for what they really are:

If you accept you have a soul created by the God of love, then you understand that during your life on earth, your intent self-interest and self-absorption will obscure your awareness of the One who created you. Futilely searching for your own satisfaction and your own gods is a chasm between you and God that you will never cross without his help. (p. 98)

Is that what I am doing? Seeking my own satisfaction? Certainly I have tremendous concern for my sweet girl and what she's suffering, but too my fear is so self-centered. I don't want to hurt, I don't want to be inconvenienced by lancets and test strips and the like, I do not want to have to constantly patrol my emotions. I want my life to be predictable, I want it to be "safe," I want it to be comfortable, for my children certainly, but for me too.

But where is the glory in that? Hebrews tells us that "Although He was a Son, He learned obedience from the things which He suffered." (5:8) If Christ had to suffer to learn obedience, how much more do I (or my daughter)? Not only that but the Lord loves Abigail infinetly more than I do and not only wants what's best for her, actually knows what's best for her. So this morning I have once again found peace and joy and I am asking the Lord (again) to help me walk in faith and to live out these verses:

Consider it all joy, my brethern, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces enurance, and let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4.

Thank you, Patty, for reminding me of our reading from Job 23:10b: "When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold."


Patty said...

Kim, I am blessed this morning to read of all God has shown you. We are all still learning just like you. And with each new day we have different circumstances to challenge us, to go deeper with the Lord. You inspire and encourage me.
God bless your day!

Kim said...

Thanks for your kind words, Patty. I was hesitant to post this...I am uncomfortable being vulnerable.


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